Recently, a report in the Chinese newspaper “People’s Daily” alleged that the Afghan Taliban has begun training monkeys to fight along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. The monkeys are offered bananas and peanuts as a series of rewards and punishments to teach them how to fire machine guns, trench mortars, and other weapons.
The practice of using animals in warfare is not a new one. General Hannibal led an army of elephants over the Alps to fight the Romans in the Second Punic War. During the Middle Ages, people used large catapults to hurl cows and other animals onto their enemy. During World War II, the USA used pigeons to relay messages and even considered fitting bats with bombs and turning them into Kamikaze animals. Unfortunately, the Kamikaze bats never materialized because it’s hard to strap an atomic bomb on a 4 inch creature.
Whether it is true or not, the threat that the Taliban is prepared to train fighting ninja monkeys illustrates their commitment to their cause. They are not only willing to risk their own lives for what they believe is right, they are willing to risk the lives of their fury friends. According to them, monkeys are good for more than just giving hilarious high-fives. I gave a monkey a high-five one time at the zoo. It was the most adorable thing that will ever happen in my life. Every time someone shows me a picture of their cute baby I respond “Not as cute as me high-fiving a monkey.” Nothing ever will be.
But pardon me, I digress. I think if we really want to understand and fight the taliban, we need to get on their level. We need to start training our own animals to fight in this war. What animals should we use? Lions are fierce but lazy. Dolphins are smart but too friendly. I think the answer is clear - guinea pigs. If the movie G-Force taught me anything, it taught me guinea pigs are bad ass fighting machines. They tore it up on the silver screen, now let them tear it up in the brown desert. It is obviously not a stretch of the imagination to use guinea pigs as undercover stealth fighters, we wrote a fucking movie about it. I say if we can dare to dream, then we can dare to make that dream a reality. Guinea pigs with lasers on their heads. Those monkeys won’t know what hit them. Guinea pigs are even more adorable than monkeys. The monkeys will try to pet the soft fur of the guinea pigs only to have their hand cut off by a laser. It’s genius! Hollywood, you’ve done it again! Drop everything FBI and get to work with guinea pigs. My next door neighbor has a guinea pig named Cinnamon that I would like to enlist. Cinnamon is very friendly, he could easily become friends with the monkeys and be our man on the inside. The movie G-Force was 3-D, but we can make it 3-D real life!
