Last night I had a weird experience - it made me laugh at the same time it filled me with guilt. I was hanging out in a bar talking to some comedian friends after a show. The bar filled rapidly with a mix of hipsters and vapid, dolled-up girls that want to go slumming with a hipster at least once so they can laugh about it ‘ironically’. When a bar fills with people that quickly, you are bound to bump elbows with somebody and start a conversation with somebody. Unbeknownst to me, I picked possibly the best or worst person to talk to, I still haven’t made up my mind how I feel about him. I’m not going to give names because quite frankly I don’t know the name of anyone in this story. They were all bar folk that I probably won’t ever see again, and yet I’ll never forget.

So I bump elbows with said best/worst gentleman and we strike up a conversation. “Christmas, you say? Why I love Christmas. It is positively the most swell day of the year!” - that’s how I talk in hipster bars, he approved. We were both there at the bar sans lady caller, but a group of young attractive girls stood just feet away. The best/worst gentleman told me I should go talk to them. I am a huge wimp that still believes I’m in sixth grade, so I said, “Nuh-uh, why don’t you go talk to them for me?” And he did! He walked over with me at his coattails and said, “Hello ladies, how is your evening progressing?” The leader of the group, the head honcho, the matriarch, the grand dame of the party, the headmistress of sorrow snapped at us, “Can’t you see I’m texting someone? You should leave us alone.” Jesus lady, you suck. I’m a pretty mellow dude, but even I know that was pretty rude. You are definitely on Santa’s naughty list.

The best/worst gentleman and I retreated back to our previous corner location and began to pull the splinters out of our pride. In a fit of passion I said, “We should put gum in her hair.” Well … it just so happens that best/worst gentleman had some gum in his pocket and a pretty good throwing arm. He chewed up the gum, rolled it into a ball in his hand, and we actually paused with remorse - “We probably shouldn’t do this, it’s pretty fucked up. We’re awful human beings for even thinking of this.” But just as our resolve faded, the headmistress of sorrow shot us an icy glare as if to say ‘what are you gonna do?’ Oh, I know what we’re going to do. We are going to underhand flip a piece of chewed gum into your product infused dyed hair. My thoughts went like this: “HaHa! Eureka! Success! Great throw! The gum stuck! Her hair is getting tangled into it! She doesn’t even know it’s there! Haha, Hilarious … Oh shit, the gum stuck. Oh my God, her hair is getting tangled into it. Oh no, she doesn’t know it’s there. I feel awful.”

I laughed so hard for 5 seconds and then felt so guilty for the rest of the night. She was a horrible person to be sure, but now we were just as bad. And that was the lesson I learned - gum is only funny for a few seconds. It loses its flavor and its punchlines. New Year’s Resolution Number One: no more throwing gum onto other people’s person.