Classy Grant tries to describe his dream date with Natalie Portman, but dirtbag Dave just wants to see her titties.
Grant wants to take Anne Hathaway to a vegan restaurant on a dream date, but Dave just wants to show her his beef.
Grant wants to take Katy Perry skydiving for his dream date with her, and Dave loves the idea of those titties in space. Turn them titties loose!
Dave wants to spend his dream date with Eva Mendes talking about Ryan Gosling’s dick, while Grant just wants to take her to a dog park.
Guys, I’ve noticed a lot of roles for homeless guys on LA Casting and I’m thinking about going back to this look. What do you guys think? That doesn’t seem desperate, right? RIGHT?
Jason Collins and Michael Sam shouldn’t worry about being seen as only a “gay player.” There’s plenty of people like Paula Deen who will see them as a “black player.”
When I was on stage in Chattanooga, TN, a knock-off Ric Flair wannabe professional wrestler walked on stage and kneed me in the groin for talking shit. But at least I didn’t back down. And the crazy thing is, this still probably isn’t the weirdest thing that has happened to me on stage.
The Top 10 Valentine’s Day Gifts from an Abusive Husband
1. A box of chocolates with the best ones already eaten
2. A mop
3. Going out with your boys so she can watch her fuckin’ programs
4. A black eye in the shape of a heart
5. Saying “I love you” back for the first time in months
6. A DVD on how to lose weight
7. Telling her you’re gonna go down on her and getting her hopes up and then watching sports instead
8. The book “Take Control of Your Period.”
9. Not sleeping with your side broad that night
10. The movie “Valentine’s Day”
The Top 10 Valentine’s Day Gifts from an Abusive Wife
1. A male thong
2. A teddy bear with the throat slit
3. The entire box set of Sex and the City delivered to him at work in front of his co-workers
4. Female lingerie with a post-it note on top that says “You’ll never see this again.”
5. Biting his penis during a blow job
6. Purposefully missing his head when you throw a plate at him
7. A recap of all the things he hasn’t accomplished because he’s not good enough
8. Dead flowers
9. A note from another guy saying how great she is and how “you have it lucky.”
10. The movie “Valentine’s Day”
George Zimmerman wants to box rapper DMX in a celebrity bout. And we wonder why people are switching from boxing to UFC fighting? At least UFC still has it’s dignity.
I, for one, have my money on Zimmerman. Sure, DMX has been to jail multiple times for drug possession, animal cruelty, and theft, but George Zimmerman KILLS people. He killed an innocent teenager and walked away with no punishment. That’s the most gangster thing you can do. That’s more gangster than anything DMX has done. If DMX takes a swing at Zimmerman in the ring, I’m not convinced Zimmerman won’t pull a gun from one of his gloves and shoot the rapper. If DMX takes a swing, that’s way more provocation than anything Trayvon Martin did.
If I was DMX, I’d think long and hard about taking the match. Yes, DMX is probably stronger. Yes, DMX is probably quicker. But strong and quick don’t beat crazy. Zimmerman, the pudgy guy that doesn’t look like he’s run a mile since 8th grade PE class, suggested this fight, proving that he’s crazy.
Dmx said that he’ll “beat the living shit” out of Zimmerman. DMX certainly looks tougher than Zimmerman, and that’s what scares me. You have to be insane to want to fight the guy that sang, “I got blood on my hands and there’s no remorse. I got blood on my dick cuz I fucked a corpse.”
Most comedy clubs are great about policing the room, quieting down hecklers, and keeping the focus on the comedians. Most comedy clubs care about the art form of comedy and want an audience that appreciates the art as well. Most comedy clubs. But not all of them. Sometimes comedy clubs will let anything happen. They won’t tell anyone to be quiet. They won’t kick anyone out. They won’t cut anyone off.
I had an experience this past weekend that went too far. I don’t want to name the club or the people because they are honestly good people. They were professional and friendly and I genuinely liked them. However, people often mistakenly assume that if you are doing a good job ‘handling’ a heckler – you’re ripping him up while everyone else is laughing – it means they should just let you go, let you do your thing, not say anything to the heckler. Yes, I can be good at shutting up a heckler. No, I do not want to spend my set doing that. I work hard at writing good jokes and I don’t want to spend 45 minutes babysitting some drunken asshole just because I can. Drunken assholes disrupt the flow of the show. You can’t build any momentum on stage if every 5 minutes you have to come back to the same table because they’re yelling out some more nonsensical bullshit.
In this particular show last weekend, there was a table of professional wrestlers sitting up front. Like professional as in they work the North Georgia/Tennessee circuit. I don’t know how professional that is, but they kept telling me they were professionals. And apparently professional wrestlers are only interested in comedy when it’s directed at them. Anytime I talked to them, they loved it. Anytime I tried to tell jokes to the rest of the crowd, they talked amongst themselves at full volume.
About two-thirds of the way into the show, I simply got fed up with trying to get them to pay attention. It was like trying to get an ADD kid to focus when he just drank two cups of coffee. So I started being a dick to the wrestlers. One of them was the biggest Ric Flair knock off you have ever seen. With a full head of peroxide blonde hair, he literally called himself “The Real Nature Boy Paul Lee.” I directed most of my vitriol toward him, saying things like, “You are a fake fighter. That’s what you dedicated your life to. That’s embarrassing.” I actually don’t have a problem with the decision to become a professional wrestler. But I do have a problem with the not shutting the fuck up in my show. The more I ripped on The Real Nature Boy, the most the audience laughed and the angrier he got.
At one point, Paul Lee walked on stage and put his face right in mine. I kept my face right in his face and continued to talk shit in the microphone the whole time. I’ve seen a good 90s wrestling promo video or two. I can be the heel. Paul sat down and I called him a pussy. That was too much for him. He walked on stage and kneed me in the groin. It was ridiculously hard, but he wanted me to know he meant business. Immediately after kneeing me, he sat back down. I did not say anything for the next 20 seconds. I loomed over him on the edge of the stage honestly debating whether I should punch him in the face. I’m not delusional. I know I would have gotten my ass kicked had I opted for that course of action, but I’m the type of idiot that won’t back down from anything even if all the odds are stacked against me. I’m the dummy that tries to fight off a mugger and gets shot in the process.
After he kneed me, I talked shit for another minute or two, told another joke or two, and then walked off stage to end the show. The employees of the comedy club came up to me and said things like, “Oh man, I thought you were going to punch that guy!” And I said things like, “Well then why didn’t you step in and remove him from the show!” At no point did anyone think to tell that guy to be quiet or to kick him out of the show. And then he kneed me in the groin. I think that’s the definition of too far.
The best part is, I got the whole thing on video. Stay tuned folks, video coming soon.